I suppose I like being the one who has so much good work yet so few jobs. I’m going to put it all on the table now and for better or for much worse, risk alienating whatever crumbs are left for me in the jazz world.
I take responsibility for being here but I also must try to understand why.
I’ve made mistakes, I haven’t hustled like a true New Yorker with grit and guts and greatness. I have coasted for too long and too often. What work and glory and success I’ve garnered has mostly come to me, not me to it. Some of that is self-doubt, some of that is my bank account.
I had no big windfalls to begin with. I had no trust fund. I had no partner in crime. I just had me, with all my deficits, fears, hopes and self-taught talent.
But that was never and is still not enough. I go through periods of personal self aggrandizement and then I wilt away like a seasonal plant who has to wait for the next shift in the planet. Those ups and downs are not my special domain. They belong to so many artists who wish the world was a kinder, gentler, more welcoming place. We/ they wish that we/us could just pick up the phone and say, “hey, I’m still here, ready, able and willing to work”. But the pit in our stomachs blocks our courage.
I woke up this morning ready to be productive but got stuck on Facebook, reading about everyone’s full lives, interesting travels, working opportunities. I wasted a lot of time feeling Schadenfreude and sad and knew I had to start writing even if no one listens.
I wish not to be reflecting this angst and I wish to be instead expressing thankfulness for what I still have. Perhaps spending the last 10 hours pouring through 10 years of my photographic life with my husband has influenced this mood. All of the good times we shared in the first few years, some travel and adventure that we rarely have the opportunity or funds to create now, reminded me of what I long for.
The first trip with Felix. Kanatee Reservation, Oregon, 10-2001
Then an article in the New York Times about the Newport Jazz Festival and I just wonder, why I’m never hired or invited or have the money to go on my own. All of this is passing by me, rapidly, and the future does not appear to be better, especially as the whole world implodes and the piece of the pie shrinks to mere slivers.
This state of mind shall pass too. But for this moment, I must reassess and re-assign the responsibility of my destiny. I don’t want to take complete blame but I need to figure out how to move forward. Perhaps it is time to turn my skills and talent in another direction. Suggestions and feedback are welcome…
08-09-11
